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Bordom and Thoughts.

Posted by electricaxe on January 4, 2009

Bored.

I’m really not good at being bored. When I’m really bored, I can think of things to do but I just don’t wanna do any of it. I dunno why I suck at it so much. Why I can’t be left on my own, everyone else I know can. Is it possible that I fear my thoughts? Do I just like the company? Or is it something else?

I’ve been watching a lot of Dexter. It’s making me reflect a bit. About love, about feelings, about family, friends, loyalty. I know they make the show so that you can relate to certain characters and stuff. Still… Maybe I’m just susceptible to it all at the moment?

Sometimes I feel my head is all cloudy, everything I think comes out wrong. I swear I have the best intentions at heart, but it still comes off like I’m a jerk or something. My apologises to all those left in that wake. Maybe I just need to find my Lila, a person who gets me, who understands me. Here’s hoping she’s not a psychotic bitch though. I’m pretty sure that would makes things worse instead of better.

If only problems could be solved as easily as on a TV show. How much better would that makes things? Woops I made a mistake, well then i’ll just do this to counter it. It would all be so simple. I guess though other things would suffer, like everyone seems to easily change there core beliefs in TV shows without much thought. I couldn’t do that.
I just wish some things were easier but si la vi that’s life I suppose.

If it was just a matter of willing something to happen strongly where would we be? Maybe we’d have flying cars, but I’m sure there’s a downside in there somewhere.

Anyway, back in reality. The place with only a few flying cars. Things are harder. Or at least they seem to be. They say ‘Time heals all wounds’ but does it? Maybe in some cases time is the one doing the wounding. Then what do you do? I’m obviously not speaking of anything in particular here, I’ve just apparently gone all philosophical on my own arse. I’m just sort of typing. That’s called something, right? Were you just type whatever is in your head? I think that’s a thing. Therapists use it, I’m sure.

I’m one of those people that thinks that ‘communication is key’ in everything. Those who know me know that one of my pet peeves is lying. I can’t stand it. But I’m learning now that it’s all not black and white. It’s not just truth and lies. Sure there are plain liars and I just want to kill them and throw their corpse down a well, then set the well on fire. But you can speak the truth, but not tell the truth. Things get left out for whatever reason. Maybe you want to protect a person, maybe something rages you so much that you need to keep things superficial. It works for the most part, for the short term at least. But how can you base a relationship with anyone on trust if not everything is fully disclosed? That part I’m still learning. How do you know where you stand when you don’t have all the facts? I’ll let you know, when I do.

OK, so what am I doing? What am I doing with my life? Sometimes it seems nothing. Just floating. What am I waiting for? and the more important question, will it ever come?
It’s like a puzzle only I’m missing a piece. The main piece right in the middle, the one that makes the whole thing make sense. Will I find it? I don’t know, but I need to look. For the chance to be complete. Maybe that means a change in job, maybe that means taking a long holiday, maybe it means moving out, maybe it means taking a step outside my comfort zone or maybe it’s something else entirely.

Heh, Maybe this is why I don’t like being alone, who wants to assess their life when it all seems so wrong. What do you do it that situation? You can’t just start again. There’s no extra lives, no save points, no continues. But I wish there was, there’s definitely some things I would change. Oh, maybe a time machine would also work. Though I guess that depends on the Butterfly Effect, you know because that could really stuff things up, make things worse. I don’t want to live in a world were we’re enslaved by alien cheeseburgers or something weird like that. Though I’m fresh outta time machines at the moment, so I guess that doesn’t matter.

So it’s just me. Me, Myself and I. What a trio. With probably more stupidity then the three amigos, but do I have the bravery, the courage of the three muskerteers? Only time will tell.

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