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Danger!….Emotional Spill Ahead!

Posted by electricaxe on June 18, 2007

I’m feeling sick, so i have the day off work to add to my blog….

OK, so another addition to my blog, but unfortunately its not a very fun one. I am very emotionally vulnerable at the moment. So those reading this, read it! and forget it!
I’m feeling very down recently and i need to voice my feelings. Bear with me, this is a very complex situation and there are many attributes which i feel i need to discuss.

My superhero dress-up party was on Saturday, I organised it for my 22nd birthday, all my friends where there, it should have been a happy occasion. To me it seemed like it wasn’t. All those friends of mine that took the time to go above and beyond the call of duty i thank you! You do not realise how much things like that mean to me. Although it seems like only a costume, the act of spending that time to get that costume ready for my party means more to me then i can say.

So, after spending countless weeks organising this party, i think i assumed that it would be a lot more. All i really need is to be surrounded by friends and know that they are there having fun. I was with friends, but to me they weren’t having fun, now i was a little drunk so my perception may be a little off, but from memory the whole night was just this. Everyone standing around in complete silence, while i was skipping around them in circles screaming “its a party, drink something!”.

Anyway that’s off the point, another reason i feel this way is. For as many birthday parties that i can remember, as well as the gifts we have given people we have also given them a card. I, however was to receive no card. This may not have been very much of a problem if a day before i hadn’t come across my wrapping paper from with last birthday, which was just a pieces of paper with everyone’s well wishes on it. I sat there and read it over and over and thought about the party we had and how my friends were the pretty much the greatest thing in my life. Back to the present. The gifts they gave my were really awesome and it shows how much they know me when they get me the exact things that i wanted. Its just that with the absence of the card, it leaves me disappointed and sad with the fact that maybe, in some sort of small, minuet way i don’t matter. Of course, they could have just forgotten, but because i feel like this at the moment, i may be over-thinking things and taking them to the extreme.

Right now, i just wanted to stab myself in the head with a pencil to stop these stupid thoughts that im having (of course i wont, don’t worry), i know they are mostly all ridiculous. but my brain just wont stop thinking about them, and all i can do is sit in a corner and listen to them. because they wont allow me to do anything else.

Other then that i am also in one of my death-depression spirals, which probably explains why i drank so much on the weekend, and why i was staring off so much. I spent most of yesterday doing the same, sitting at my computer or on my bed just staring into space.

Also i want to take this opportunity to write down a thing or two about Cassul, who in a few days will be leaving the state to pursue a gratifying career in the computer games industry. Since you are writing letters to everyone and at the moment all my feelings are splattered on the the Internet i might take this chance to do the same. it may not be a perfect venue but, one would have to forgive ones self.
So, you have been a great friend and although it seems like only recently we have really started to click and get attune to each other. it seems like we have known each other for ages and ages. Soon hopefully you will be back or we might see you over in your new home, but until then i wish you all the luck in the world because you, my friend deserve all that you can get. I look forward to hearing about all your new and exciting adventures, i hope that you keep in touch and i trust that whatever you do in the future, it will be bright with opportunities.

Also i think i have got some sort of cold or something, just because i didn’t already have enough to deal with.

I just want to re-interate, just in case it got lost in there that all my friends (and you all know who you are) i really, really thank you for all that you have done. I also want to especially thank that one person who stands by me when all the others and busy doing other things to just come and talk to me to see how i am and is the one person that i can truly open up to. Our d&m’s mean so much more to me then anything i can ever express. I just hope that in the midst of ‘group gatherings” and humor, it doesn’t all get missed and dismissed.

Soooo, I’m feeling the smallest amount better now that i have written this. So i guess it hasn’t all been for nothing.

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